Tenth grade was the worst two years (edit: yes, two years) of my life. It completely alienated me from others, and made me consider suicide. Which I never actually committed, evidently, I’m here blogging myself to death. Ta-da.

Organization is not a learned “skill.” It’s not a “skill” to begin with. It’s about spending time dealing with bureaucracy and the paper-hell in advance. In my experience, it saves practically no time whatsoever.

Unfortunately, I seem to have this self destructive tendency to work great under pressure. If Dushkin works great under pressure, Dushkin will try to push self to edge, Dushkin will create stress for Dushkin to finish work. In other words, I procrastinate on purpose.

“Know thyself” my ass. It’s obviously self-destructive, and mazochistic. One of my incompatible wishes somewhere down in my id, to only work under pressure.

Organization detached me from the rest of the world. You start reading self improvement books, working on things in pieces, and the next thing you know, there’s a distance between you and the rest of the world and you just can’t do anything about it. A thin membrane will seperate you from your peers, parents, “community” and friends. “Sorry, can’t talk now, I’m busy.”

By decompressing your work, you leave yourself practically no time to do other things which are, probably, more important. When you do have the time, you will realize that your “friends” have already gotten into the habbit of not inviting you to social gatherings (of whatever nature.)

Reversing the situation is theoretically impossible. For instance, my birthday “party.” I invited various people, out of which two people came, and one uninvited guest, another one arrived an hour and a half late and insisted on leavingbecome midnight for a total of about 1 hour of actually doing anything. The other three decided it’ll be a great idea to go smoke pot, although I made it very clear that I have no interest in it. The whole thing ended at around 11:40 pm.

I timed it, phoned all the parties that needed to be phoned, passed emails around, begged, and wrote everything down. When it came to the practical stage, nothing went as planned.

It crossed a certain line when I began planning social interaction and trying to make sense of my world using the calendar. After two very long phone calls with BlueCoffee, I finally began to snap out of this organization-overdrive.

There is, I would say, no correlation between organization and saving time. Some of us just work slower, some are less able to isolate themselves from their environment.

It basically became very clear to me what I really wanted to do with myself and how to stop this organization madness. Unfortunately, without it, my grades are starting to slip. I might be a “better person”. I do find myself facing my incompatible wishes and slowly my super-ego dissolving and making less descisions. The former view, which accepted self-help books, now rejects standards, ideas, laws and roles and substitutes it with something else.

At the same time, I can’t convince myself of all sorts of things. The result of less self discipline. I also find it much harder to read, listen to records all the way through and stick to a single task.

My advice, don’t “get organized”! Your superiors are going to go nuts, but at least you don’t sell yourself to the whole bureaucracy.

Actually, I’m quite sick of organization. All I really want is just to run around aimlessly in grassy meadows and not think about anything. Society is all about normalization. Not very pleasant.

Every now an then I get to see someone I know taking the same bus as me. Every time, and by that I do mean every time, it’s the same story. I see them, and they pretend no to see me.

The first time it happens with someone I give them a little tap on the shoulder. They might say hi and stop continue to ignore me. The second time I’ll try to make my presence known indirectly. Afterwards, I’m just going to ignore them until (and if?) they talk to me first.

So that’s what happened today, only that this time must have been the seventh time or so, which is very frustrating. Would it be anti-social to start ignoring people just because they like ignore me? On the contrary, it’s the right thing to do. Here’s why.

By ignoring me, and I think I’m pretty hard to miss, they’re just telling me, that I’m not worth the effort involved in saying “hi.” Do I get offended by it? Hell yes.

I think that just ruined the rest of my week. Fortunately it’s Thursday, so it’s not that much of a problem.

Hopefully that person, whose name I will not mention, will read this post and in the future at least try to say hi.

With some long study sessions, a lot of frustration and falling asleep with socks on, it’s all over. For a couple of months at least.
I don’t have the right to complain just yet. That is, until IB2, and now that’s something.

Now I noticed that it’s pretty fashionable to say you’re going to fail, even if you’re a top student, actually, especially if you’re a top student. The funny thing is that half of those will get grades about, say, 30% better than me.
Yesterday I put my MacBook in repair. I’m a little worried that they’ll overlook the display problem though. The guy I showed it to “couldn’t see any problems.” Seriously, there’s a gigantic gray blob in the middle of the screen caused by inconsistent backlight, give me a break! They’re probably just going to overlook it.

So here I am, using some ancient machine that actually works (yeah, I kinda forgot I had it). It’s so slow that it’s much more practical to run a VNC session to my home server and work over there. Seriously. I threw out that PowerMac “Beige” I had, it was simply pissing me off, I’m talking about a different machine.
Should be getting my MacBook in about 14 days. At least that’s what they said. I hope they’re not gonna close for too long during christmas, I need that machine!