I’ve been turning this in my mind for quite a while. It would be great if I could start an avant-garde act (you could say a band, but that’s kinda broad). I don’t care if it sells, I don’t care if I spend more money on it that I will ever get out of it, I just want to be in an avant-garde act. Avant-garde blues, avant-garde punk, avant-garde potato salad, I don’t care. We’ll put up awesome creative shows, visually anyway, and do awesome avant-garde stuff - such as being avant-garde and thinking avant-garde and meet other avant-garde people and say avant-garde things to them, in an avant-garde accent. Actually, maybe I should work on assembling something like that. I might as well. One of these days.

Yes! Coffee works, trust me. Seriously, take it. Take a lot of it. Take it and work and be happy.

I did quit coffee, correct, but I’m coming back now. Coffee is good, I don’t care. I got so much work done, I love it!

Recently, things hae been going a little off-track for me on every single aspect of life. Some of which, I will discuss, some, it’s probably a better idea not to.

What started out pretty good, I must say - my first year in the IB diploma I’m not afraid to say that I was quite a good hardworking student, organized even. But then, after the holiday, I’ve been running dry, completely dry. So, what do I do, I ask myself, if I’m not producing any art, not producing any writing, not “producing” grades and not doing anything worth doing.

Maybe I should just do something robotic that requires little thinking for a while, just to get things right again. “I think too much.”

Just the other day, I was working on a certain work of art, the first one I like in quite a long while. My art teacher then caught sight of it. He liked it.

“Ah! I like this.” He said. Of course, he can’t just tell me it’s “crap”, and he didn’t say it’s very “conceptual”, so I think I’m pretty much safe.

“Just ignore the crop box, and everything outside it. It’s supposed to be fifty-by-seventy.”

“No! You got it all wrong!” he exclaimed and examined the messy “unfinished” product.

“But then it’s too messy, I need to change it, and I mean, the whole…” I went searching for words, “composition, and colors.”

He just shook his head and told me the strangest thing, coming out of him that is: “You create something good, and then you start thinking about it, intellectualizing it, and then you just start going wrong.” That’s it.

Yes, theory does destroy you, sure, but as long as you can disconnect from it, fine, go ahead, I figured. Back in the day, before I had the whip of the IB Visual Arts curriculum and examination, I would just “do” what I felt like and not think about what I need to write in my stupid developmental workbook. I’m one step closer to the bonfire, this time holding the developmental workbook.

Suppose I went to see concerts, eventually reaching a state where my hearing will degrade to the point at which I can’t really hear much. Suppose Would I keep going to loud concerts? Well, my hearing will degrade even further, or possibly, there’s an alternative. Earplugs.

In search of earplugs.

I would have to find a clever solution to my problem, something to do with being able to disconnect myself. I decided that the solution will have to conform to these basic criteria:

1. It must not develop a dependence.
2. It must not be illegal.
3. It must not corrode my brain, limit my capacity or undermine my future.

I do realize that I’m facing a major challenge here, and I really don’t know what to do, but here are some possible problems I could suggest as to why I’m in this awful “creative block”.

The IB curriculum itself. Could it be that it’s causing this crippling condition? Could I be unable to deal with some of the obstacles it lays in my path? Unfortunately, a solution will

Lack of positive stimulus from “good” academics and creativity, plenty of positive stimulus from unproductive, “self destructive” habits. I haven’t quite had anyone tell me what a good job I did, nobody tells me to keep working. The kind of person I am, I always attempt to work “for” others. I could be a great secretary, as long as I get tasks sent in my way all the time, and they’re for other people who expect me to do them, not from a vague organization, and not “for myself.” Perhaps I “need someone” to put some pressure on me and pat me on the head every time I do some good work. It worked last May, it’ll work again.

My current creative outlets and inlets are fine, but I how about the old ones? How about I try returning to old creative outlets in inlets. Maybe I should go back to creative writing, make myself do it. Or maybe even coding? One thing for sure, I better start reading literature again (that’s what I mean by “creative inlet”, don’t bother looking it up - I made it up). Perhaps the beauty of their complexity will get my gears going again and make me productive, just like in the good old days.

Diet, sleep and lack of caffeine. If I wasn’t short on cash, I would have considered buying a pack of coffee tablets today. I need to bring the coffee machine in the lounge back to an operating condition, and begin consuming caffeine in hopes of it improving my academic performance (pffft!) and creativity. Additionally, my diet’s been all wrong, and with little sleep, I think it’s a dangerous mix. Fixing these might be a good idea.

Meditation. I was told it could potentially help, I don’t know though. I’ll have to do some research.

Sessions with a psychologist. Yes, I’m pushing towards that - I’ll get it at some point, I’m sure.

I might as well just do all of them, ah?