My mom, a little bit like my ex, has an unconscious mother-daughter complex. Basically, even though they would fail to recognize their mothers’ domination over them. They’re afraid of them.

Just the day before my grandma and her husband (which is technically not my grandpa), came over - mom of course, started cleaning up like I haven’t seen her before. She even told me to try to keep the house clean. When my dad did me a great favor by asking the question that I’ve been dying to make my mother face - whether she’s afraid that grandma might judge her.

“Judge me? No, she doesn’t care how the house looks, it’s not her house anyway; and I left home years ago anyway, she can’t give me orders anymore” she replied with absolute certainty.

The house was spotless, you could eat a cookie even if it fell on the toilet seat. You could lick the laundry room (which is more of a storage room) floor and not come down with a terrible disease for a change. It was clean to say the least.

Grandma doesn’t dominate you, I see.

I’ve had my share of this mother-daughter complex back a few months ago with my ex. Again, the same problem, “mom has no control over me whatsoever”, but when mom says “foreigner bad, foreigner problem” - mom must be right, no? It took her about a month, but she did it, she got rid of this terrible foreigner. But really, don’t parents just love nerds? We still talk, but when she came to town this weekend she refused to see me. It all fell into place when I realized she was with her mother. Her sick dominating mother.

So if you ever wonder why I’m not that full of regrets about that whole thing I had with her - yeah, it’s also because she reminds me of my mom.

Brings back when mother’s unwillingness to leave to move to a new house back a few years ago in Israel. It was because we were living only one block away from no other than grandma. Grandma, oh grandma. When my parents are coming back to Israel (I will be tagging along for a short period of time before getting the fuck out of there) they’re coming back to the same house. One block away from grandma.

There was a plan to come back to a different house - on the same street as to not get away from grandma almighty.

And now she’s here. For two weeks, leaving oily marks on various tupperware boxes in the fridge, making the house smell like old people and making everyone’s life miserable by giving orders.

My dad doesn’t get any orders though.

“Fine, you don’t have to eat it if you don’t want to”, “why does this house look like a dump?” and a wide variety of classic Jewish complaints. Since I became German she at least doesn’t express her (now ridiculous and redundant) hate for Germans.

When she’s around everything feels like you’re walking on a wire suspended between two really tall buildings with my brother shaking the wire every now and then. No matter how much you beg, he either won’t get it, or will try harder.

They’re not even getting letters from me once I’m gone.

Just now, the strangest thought occurred to me, for absolutely no reason at all - a flashback from years ago, all the way to 7th grade. In Israel.

Brainwash, oh, sorry, indoctrination, is of course everywhere.

The only way to really get over it, I would say, is by a change of context. Possibly the best thing that could ever happen to anyone is to be torn away from where the were born and move somewhere else, I’m not kidding. To grow up one place and mature someplace else, just to get a proper perspective.

I was in 7th grade back in September 11 2001. A day known for one thing which will in turn change things as we know them - in the mind of the average republican anyway.

The average Israeli worships the US, anything to do with it, anything with the slightest relevance. Of course, after that day, it would seem to them, that the US became just a little more like Israel. To be honest, it probably did a little bit - hey, the conservatives did stay in office.

And so some teacher, I think, said something rather awkward in retrospect. “There’s been a conspiracy that the Jews sabotaged the world trade center,” she said, “but the reason why they were absent that day was because they all went to a certain funeral.”Wait a second, what? Citation needed, don’t you think? Of course there’s going to be conspiracies, but what kind of a crappy excuse is that?

Reminds me of something my history teacher at the time said, that “Jews were hated in Europe because they were” according to him, “better in every way.” It all just clicked in my mind: I was being very obviously brainwashed constantly. That’s education for ya’.

Among other things, this awful brainwash (that is, education) included: The bible (the old testament of) was taught as factual and true.

That polytheists are primitive. Give me a break, it’s all the same. Who am I to tell others that their religion is defective?

That circumcision is not only good, but it’s also required and does not reduce sexual pleasure; uncircumcised males will have problems at some point, it’s disgusting, etc. But of course, it’s not really endorsed by urologists (anymore, as far as I know) and is only done is certain cases of infection if anything - it’s rare anyhow and easily treatable.

Hey, but that’s education, I guess? Or is it just the horrible crushing majority of Jews in Israel? Pluralism will not exist for at least another 2-3 generations ahead.

I’m off the bandwagon, lucky for me. See you then, Israel.

The advantage of being ethnically Jewish, just ask any Jew - is that you’re allowed to make jokes about Jews. Same thing with being bi and using the word “fag”.

Now, if only I was a black Jewish communist lesbian…