Start with the assumption that you, dear reader, are nothing but a mere lost soul in a great ocean of successful people and that the only light at the end of any tunnel is the crack under the door from your basement where you live to your parents’ house. Feeling trodden down yet? No, OK, I didn’t mean it quite that way. Lots of people are talking about things nobody cares about, not even their friends. For instance how this twitter search actually comes up with results – not only that, results keep being discharged by the collective rectum of the internet.
The point I’m trying to get across is that you are nothing. Nobody cares about you. The internet is full of drivel as it is, and nobody wants to talk to you unless they:

1. Want to feel better about themselves by smearing you
2. Want to have sex with you
3. Feel they have an overwhelming duty that they must carry out by talking to you

Wanting to avoid 1, and probably 2 (or just not being the object of number 2) there’s still number 3. There’s always a plan B… or C.

You may ask yourself, how come I don’t have such frequent debates with (most) people around me in the same way I do with the internet personalities that surround me? Could they all be internet superheroes? Of course not – the answer is simple: You can’t punch people on the internet.

I suppose protection from physical harm is what leads to these cans of worms be readily available for quick opening. So considering the alternatives, it’s a no-brainer. All gain for no risk and no cost, other than your reputation, sanity and oh look – a slippery slope. It’s the get rich quick scheme of attention (negative and otherwise), which leads me to my first lesson, maybe inspired by Colbert’s tips for a healthy marriage:

1. A smart poster knows how to post with at least some tact

But you know that one guy who religiously defends something, who stubbornly shoves it down your throat and feeds it to you on every damn occasion they get. Sometimes more gracefully than other times.

I, too, know a few people like that. First, an immigrant co-worker who (somewhat ironically) hates Arabs and finds annoying ways to say it sometimes and brings in a wide array of manners to express his right-wing views. Second, my cousin who is a staunch communist and would never miss an opportunity to tell us over family dinner how the government caused the recession on purpose, that phone manufacturers insert flaws into their devices on purpose. They’ll get… very emotional when anything opposes their extreme views. They don’t have that “poster tact” and won’t hesitate to get into a very heated discussion with you to defend their ideas.

Those exist in all walks of life, on the ‘nets as well. So, here, have another tip:

2. A smart poster knows to pick their battles

And what about when you have to? A sense of duty exists in us all, and I wouldn’t bother denying it personally (neither should you). We all have a soft spot in us when somebody mentions that one thing that ticks us off:

3. A smart poster has a second account/handle/username they can use to be everything I said they shouldn’t be without any risk

I guess the internet is a place full of cruel ironies.

This is of course, for a multitude of reasons, I’ll try to describe them, hopefully it will start making sense.

1. The more people out there the more likely you are to offend one of them.

This is very true and very real. If you’re talking to just one person, you’re not likely to offend them, as you’re talking to just one person. Talk to ten people, and the chances of you offending one of them is greater, as we introduce diversity. Introduce more diversity and more people, we become more and more politically correct out of necessity as we increase the scale.

2. Replying is as easy as typing an address to begin with.

“lol u suk im offended” takes less keystrokes than blogging about it, typing up an article or heaven knows what. Thus, feedback is immediate, and quite often stupid.

Anyway, my point is, it takes skill and understanding to get it right. The key to being diplomatic? Agree with everyone. Don’t express opinions unless you’re asked for one, and then just say you accept everything, but this is “just you.”

We all have ideas, we’re all radical in our own way (yes we are), the only question is how well we know to express it. This is especially important in a tiny little community, e.g. forums.

My suggestion: less is more. Nobody likes you if you have an opinion about everything, even if you’re right and say what they all think is true, you’ll always see more opposition than support – not because that’s the way it is, just because that’s the way of nature – social nature.I’ll quit internet forums at some point, just not now, just hold on there.

Basically forums are horrible things, yes, I’ve said it before. I’ve been trying to be diplomatic for a while, and it didn’t quite work out as a great option. Why? People take the internet way too seriously for their own good.

1. Don’t count on people’s sarcasm detectors, they’re always broken.

Sorry, everybody takes sarcasm seriously. Suppose there was a thread about ice-cream, and you said that this thread promotes weight-control, somebody will be kind enough to let you know you’re a retard. Somehow, somebody will take your post seriously, and start hating you.

Yippie.

2. The best response is no response.

The best thing you can do to yourself, if your posts are taken out of context, is just not reply. At most, reply only to the stuff you like and ignore the rest (i.e. filter their post). The problem is, occasionally, people are stupid. Unfortunately, somebody has to tell them, no? WRONG, you’ll be starting flame wars and just making their stupidity more obvious.

3. Everybody thinks you’re flaming them or trolling their threads.

In a forum, every single user thinks their way is not merely correct, but is the manifestation of pure truth. Their posts are infallible, therefor, if you post something that seems to contradict them it can’t possibly be true, it must be a troll.

4. Trolls will be fed.

The old “do not feed the troll” motto is a great one. Unfortunately, nobody besides you gets it. Trolls will receive more replies than they could possibly imagine.

5. The more successful users are the ones who say nothing but yell “BACON!” with all their might 

This is an interesting one. Those who understand the forums know that there’s no use in expressing opinions, instead, they just say crap, post drunk, and make stupid “jokes.” They’re the same conservative bitch who’d support a WWII style killing machine.

6. The less successful users have something to say, they just do it wrong.

Opinions! Less-than-successful users have those, that’s WHY they’re “less than successful”. Nobody likes them because they say what’s right, but by the mighty gods, they know a thing or two.