I have come to a conclusion that I’m simply afraid of anything that yields face-to-face consequences. I can’t help it.
The problem seems to be that anything that could yield a face-to-face consquence, i.e. someone I know in “real life” changing their attitude towards me, scares me shitless. Consequentially, I’m stuck unable to interact with some people. When asked, I’ll say everything’s fine. “I’m doing alright, don’t worry about me” – but really, am I?
My blog is read. That’s for fact. By the wrong (maybe) people, and thus, it yields face-to-face consequences which I’m very often unable to deal with.
Today I skipped school, I couldn’t help it. In a dream I’ve had last night, I was receiving a phone call from a certain person, whom I shall name Gary. Gary disappeared a while ago, no phone calls, no emails, no messages, his profile was deleted (actively by him, as it hasn’t been 90 days since his disappearance) – when I try to call him I get his answering machine after about four rings. I never met him in person, never went on a date, nothing. Nothing works, I don’t know where he is. Disappeared, vanished into thin air. So the dream starts with my cell phone ringing, I pick it up still in bed, while staring at the ceiling. It’s him, I can’t see the name though on the caller ID, it’s blurry without my glasses.
No hello, no nothing. He starts yelling at me over the phone. I, being half asleep at that point, am not able to respond. I interject some approving groans and that seems to appease him, and so he moves to the next point. Great, I don’t know what you’re saying anyway.
At some point, I get tired of listening to him saying “look, I’m tired” and hanging up. He seemed upset over the phone, and soon enough, I regret having hung up on him and resolve that I should give up. Gary doesn’t call back, and I break into tears with regret and fall back to sleep.
I woke up at around 10:00. I decided I can’t go to school today, and that I have to sort things out between myself about this whole thing, it’s too important for me to just leave it like that.
A friend of mine from WoW insisted that he doesn’t want to hear about my dreams, for some reason. Maybe it’s because I suggested that he was flirting with me when he called me “furball”, but seriously, you have to admit it would make sense.
Moruku on the other hand was most helpful, though I simply couldn’t formulate it at that point, so we ended up not talking about it.
Something occured to me, was I really dreaming? I checked my call log, and Gary’s number doesn’t seem to show up. Looks like I was just dreaming after all.
Come back, Gary, please. I need you to at least tell me you’re fine, I’m worried about you.