Horror stories of airport security aren’t uncommon. Airport security is unfortunately all about guesswork. And guesswork mostly revolves around, well, profiling. “If it quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck terrorist.” And then the duck gets pulled aside for further questioning.

I so happened to come across this blog post about airport security. Although that story is about the passenger section, or as we cool kids in freight call it, “pax”. Pax usually have these more personal stories and it’s only one in so many who do get pulled out of the line – although, don’t get me wrong, each of them equally sad in its own way. So you guys in pax: wtf?

First, allow me to preface this and say that I personally haven’t really experienced being held up for security for very long first hand - being caucasian and having an Israeli name and passport aren’t really the types of things that get you pulled out of queues. I even had an airport access permit at one point (an “‘A’ tag”). But I do have strong opinions about this whole “security” charade in Israel regardless and thought I’d get this off my chest.

Working in airfreight export at the moment gets me face to face with airport security. Here in Israel, the terminals (Maman and the smaller Swissport) have security teams whose jobs are to identify bombs and so forth so they don’t blow up airplanes. Fair enough, except there’s one tiny problem…

They’re completely, way, way way off. Waaaay off. Customs rarely ever hold shipments for more than an hour or two, and rarely request physical examinations of outbound cargo. But then… there’s security.

If you’re a more casual type of exporter, your shipments are likely to be delayed for about 24 hours on “security status 3″ (can’t fly until further notice). Eventually, they’ll be released (“security status 1″) and hopefully in time for the flight, though you might just find yourself missing a few just because security decided holding your shipment for 24 hours is like, a wise choice somehow and will save planet earth from its demise or heaven knows what.

But here’s what really, really ticks me off. For instance there is one Arab exporter I work with. Based in Ramallah, arab name and all. It’s unmistakable. Their shipments always get held up for security. And we’re talking days here. And then when those shipments are released they enter “security status 7″ which means they can only be flown on freighters (cargo only aircrafts) and that the decision is not negotiable unlike “security status 2″ which will eventually be released. It can make the whole thing much more expensive for the exporter and sometimes means you have to book new flights if you don’t know it in advance.

Seriously? Seriously, guys?

While I’m at it, here’s another story. I take the train to work. Upon entering the station, I have to put my bags through an X-ray machine. In addition to the X-ray machine I have to go through a metal detector in gate configuration to make sure I’m not carrying any weapons. Strangely enough it never goes off even though I have a belt with a metallic buckle and my house keys on me and that usually triggers them at the airport. Then when the train arrives, you can’t board it until the “security examination” (a 23 year old running back and forth, that is) is over.

Oh and did I mention they have 1-2 large dogs they keep around and that all train personnel including drivers are armed with real live pistols?

But the best art is: soldiers carrying M-16s are free to walk in unchecked if they present a slip of paper showing that they’re allowed to carry weapons.

Wonderful…